10 Things That Make me Come Alive

1.  Death (Knowing and losing someone makes me more motivated than ever to reflect the goodness and example she set as well as living each moment that was stolen from her.  I only have now and I will make it count for the both of us.)

2.  Words (Those moments reading something, hearing something, or sharing something that makes you feel as if it was made for you.  It makes me realize that connectivity is the most important quality in the world.  Words connect our hearts, create bridges to other lands, and float us away into another world.)

3.  Evolution/Change (Change doesn’t exist, but you know what does?  Small improvements, evolution.  You can become who you want to be, but you can never change from who you were.  That will always be a part of you, so find your darkness and find a way for it to become apart of your future.)

4.  Love (The most powerful force in the world?  It could be and love is different for everyone and there are countless different types of love just like the idea of religion and denominations.  And you can never feel the same love twice; nothing can ever get old.  I love that idea).

5.  People  (People are amazing and unique and can push you closer to who you are or closer to who you should be, and even when they take you farther from where you think you should be you’ll come back, have faith in yourself. Because after all you’re human too.)

6.   Complacency (This is just for myself, but when I see a relationship that is stagnant or a person that is stagnant in their growth it pushes me to never want to be like that.  Growth is and has become everything to me. 

This quote: “Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen at once.” )

7.  Goals (If you don’t have goals, make some!  Small goals, big goals, lofty goals.  I have hourly, daily, short-term, and long-term goals.  And yes I love lists.)

8.  New Places (I love to travel and see the differences in the world of how just the smallest things can all be done in unique and different ways or have been done in the past.  We can learn from our past and we can learn from our differences.)

9.  FOOD (This is way too far down the list, but I love cooking and love trying new foods and experiencing them with other.  Food can bring together even the most scorned enemies.  As long as it’s not poisoned! Eep!)

10.  Making others happy  (This should be number one for me, but this isn’t in any order.  Making other people happy is the single thing that makes me happiest in the world.  And most of the time I will do whatever it takes to make those people happy.)

And never knew.

Fear is a uniquely amazing thing.  Some of us are motivated by fear while others are completely immobilized by it.  I’ve always been the type to be motivated by it, but lately I’ve noticed a more “frozen” version of myself. Is fear immobilizing me?  I’m always curious about what motivates people to do certain things, and over the past few weeks I have thought about it more and more. 

What fueled my curiosity was a limbo-ed friendship; something not quite just friendship, but also nowhere near a relationship. In his grandiose gestures & ideals of a potential “us” I would just sit silently contemplating if connection could possibly come that easily.  And in my naïve attempt to protect him, I thought it best not to encourage him. I stayed silent; all the while knowing I may lose him while trying to figure it all out.  But you have to be fair and you have to be honest, and I made that decision this year for a multitude of reasons. Wasn’t that the brave thing to do?  Honesty takes courage while hiding oneself is a product of fear in its purest form.  

This is not to say that I was perfect by any means; silence can hurt, and sometimes the combination of silence and sarcasm just rubs people the wrong way.  That is my best guess for what came next. To my shock and confusion, one day he decided to fall off the face of planet Anj. You realize that as quickly as someone is to tell you how you are so special, you are also extremely disposable.  Something to be remembered is that the potential good still has to outweigh the current bad.  There wasn’t a build up of trust, even in our pseudo-friendship, and so I was disposable. And I was disposed of. 

When this happened I replayed several situations over in my head, just trying to piece it all together and hoping it would lead me to discover what his breaking point was.  And maybe I’m looking at this too simplistically.   My challenge has always been to exist in the gray, when I am definitely an extreme black & white type of person.  The friendship may not have been ideal, especially for him, but I figured it was better than nothing. 

I over-analyzed this idea to death and I eventually came to this: Is it possible for another person to only care about you in one capacity? This was especially difficult for me. I realized that he didn’t want my friendship; he just wanted me to dissipate.  Maybe some people don’t ever intend to be your friend. I don’t know if that means they care more or care less. When I finally realized this, and trust me it took countless amounts of unreturned messages for me to realize this; I finally left him alone.

Even after we stopped talking I still wondered why people claim the gift of great connection, yet are quick to give up on it. Is it fear or lackluster?  I’ve never found connection particularly difficult, but I realize that connection is more difficult for some than others.  I may have never understood his connection to me, and I’m guessing that is why it was so easily removed.

Sometimes our fear of connection can have the same outcome as just a lukewarm connection. You can be too scared to face the vulnerability and just put on your running shoes on and jet.  But why?  I associate different feelings with different actions, so it confuses me that people run from too much closeness as well as too little.   Me? I’ve never been the running type.  So when my “friend” finally chose to talk to me it had been months of silence.  He broke the silence finally and guess his preferred form of contact? An emoji! Yup modern guys are the most elusive yet. 

His “yelling” texts smelled like straight up Jack to me, and when he finally called me a few minutes later this was confirmed.  After pouring out his “feelings” and stomping on any character this girl might still have had, to my second shock he reverted back.  I guess I’ll put him in the big red question box because I still have no idea what happened. 

As one of my fave’s said:

           This is the most fun part. I believe it’s really hard to meet someone you have that much of a deep connection with, so you should cherish it.  If the person doesn’t like them back, oof. I’m sorry. That’s a hard situation and it’s not always easy just to move on. When you meet someone you really like and connect with, I think that’s very special, and not to be taken for granted. They discuss this in Before Sunset, one of my favorite films, in a way that really struck a chord with me. Julie Delpy’s character says when she was younger, she thought she’d meet many people of the opposite sex that she would have a special, deep, personal connection with, but as she got older, she realized that’s not the case, and you realize how rare those kind of connections really are. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found I agree with this sentiment.

Fear sets into all of us, and I can’t pinpoint that for him it was indeed fear, but for me?  Yeah it’s a unique form of fear.  The mixture of fear, caution, confusion, and distance is way grayer than I’m comfortable with.  Maybe connection is more difficult than I previously thought; definitely something to work towards.

My Miracle.

Two months ago I did the hardest thing imaginable. I said goodbye.  My goodbye was real because her lifeless body laid in front of me, but in my heart I was still hoping for that miracle that we all know she deserved.  I say it often and think it daily, but she really was the best person I have ever known.  She will forever be my hardest goodbye. 

Sometimes I feel like this is just one of our dry spells where we haven't managed to get a hold of each other in a few weeks and then I remember that I held her hand and said goodbye to her when she couldn't say a word back.  I had to say goodbye twice.  I then went into a room with over a thousand people and said my public goodbye.  I was lucky. 

She was like a dream because I can remember her eyes, her smile, her laugh, and her tears. Sometimes surviving her seems like the worst thing that could ever have happened to me. I'm right it is, but I also know I will be stronger for surviving this horrible time.  I still don't know how to do it, not at all. 

I want to honor her life and her fight but I don't know how.  It's only been two months and I don't expect to have all of the answers now, in fact, I don't expect to have any, but I hope one day I can push through and know exactly how to honor this almost perfect person.  

I love you Andrea with everything I have in me.  Any good in me is only because you were so incredibly good to me.  Even though you didn't get your miracle you will always be mine. 

In Repair

I said something so incredibly insightful today, sometimes I shock myself.  I feel like I haven't been myself for the past year and I think I magically figured out why. 

I have been through failed relationships.  Angry ones, sad ones, slightly clingy ones, suicidal ones, long distance ones, casual ones, dishonest ones, soulmate ones, and lastly, a not-a-relationship one, a broken one, a haunting one, and a painful one.

What did I learn from the first bunch? I experienced love, I reciprocated love, and love was reciprocated to me. I was so lucky to have experienced those loves and those unique people. 

When the last one took his final curtain call a shining light came over me.  I saw one person standing alone in his perfect light and I no longer felt immobilized by the many shortcomings of my past. I couldn't even take my eyes off my future to glance back at my past. Most importantly, I didn't want to.

From day one I gave him my absolute best, my absolute everything, my all. I laughed with him through the good, sat with him through the bad, comforted him whenever he needed, and I went along on a ride, his ride. I sat patiently. I waited, and waited, and waited.  And if he had never shoved me out his face I would have waited patiently forever.  But unfortunately he never chose to back away.  He chose to push, shove, and break me.

I know the reason I go back for more is my own misunderstanding of him. My misunderstanding of how he could not want my best. I figured there was some mistake. I never gave anyone my best, and now it was on a silver platter; my heart, my body, my soul, just sprawled out for him. He declined.  I ask myself everyday how he could decline.  I know now my mistake was letting his rejection ruin "My All."  

The amazing news is I am capable to give someone it all. The bad news is my choice.  Not my choice in him, but my choice to misunderstand that he didn't want it. Everytime I curled up in a tearful ball in the corner of my couch it's me who put me there, not him.  

My All is pretty beaten up right now, but I know it's better to fold and give up then leave myself unrepairable. 

I am not broken, I am in repair.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnmayer/inrepair.html

The eyes that cannot see.

Love that is blind is incredibly painful.  Only because the idea of being blind is that you are aware, for certain, that something is missing from your view. You just can't manage to see it. 

My love isn't blind. It's as clear as the ocean.  I can curse myself for it but I won't because someday I will be someone's beautiful, sparkling, and green ocean mist.  Just not yours. Never yours. 

I hope you find clarity and that you find your ocean breeze. I still believe you will, and above all else, you deserve to not be blind, even if you're blind to me.

Young & Beautiful

I want to thank  everyone for coming out today,  not to remember Andrea in her sickness, but to celebrate in the life of Andrea Kowalewski.  

I am overwhelmed by the amount of lives Andrea has touched, and seeing all of these faces here today is a reminder that I am not the only one that is hurting, and I am not the only one that is going to be changed by knowing someone like her.

For those of you that don’t know me  I have been best friends with Andrea since we were 9 years old.

 

Knowing Andrea, loving Andrea, and being loved by Andrea has impacted every ounce of who I've become. We met in elementary school and I cannot picture my life without her in it.

 I remember seeing Andrea on the school bus before we met and I always vividly remember thinking I want to be friends with that girl. She had long wavy hair and was probably the only third grader wearing huge hoops and pink lipstick, but she was always gutsy and was never scared to be who she was. I know the confidence she exuded as a little girl was something I wanted and I can honestly say, in retrospect, that knowing her gave me confidence in myself. 

When we met in the fourth grade we became inseparable. People would ask us if we were sisters, and for the majority of our lives when people remember us, they remember us together. I will always cherish those moments. 

As we grew older and no longer lived streets apart but cities and states apart we managed to sustain and actually continue to grow our friendship into young adulthood. 

I have watched Andrea for the last 14 months and she never ceases to impress me, even after all of these years. I would leave her house or the hospital each time and be amazed at how strong she was. I realize now that her strength comes from her mother, Diana, and watching each of them be the two strongest women in totally different ways will forever remind me to be strong too. 

In light of all of the inner battles I've had with this situation I know Andrea has given me her peace. I feel incredibly lucky to have known her, been her best friend, her sister, her maid of honor and she will always be on the top of my heart for the rest of my life.

 

I can't remember the last words she said to me all I remember is that I was lucky enough to sit elbow to elbow with her on her last Saturday on earth and the last Saturday I will enjoy for a very long time. Her selfless nature always shines through. I had been there all day and as night came up she asked "don't you have other plans? It's a Saturday night. This must be boring". I replied, “this is where I want to be. I'm not here because you're sick I'm here because there's nowhere else i'd rather be.” This day will forever be in my heart and I feel truly blessed to have had somebody as amazing as her choose me. In my brokenness as a little girl she chose me. As a confused teenager she chose me. And as an angry and rebellious 20 something she chose me again. And she would have chosen me until she couldn't anymore. I chose her because she is easy to love and would be anyone's natural choice. I do not expect to ever have this kind of human connection again and I fear that some may go their entire life without ever feeling true acceptance and love from another person. I am forever blessed by the memories and determined more now than ever to have her spirit and nature live in me. 

In a card i wrote Andrea in the last few months i said “ I  know the love in my heart could never be felt for anyone else.  I heard this  song that made me think  of you, even if its about being in love or whatever  I think the  meaning i get from it is so much deeper than any romantic love." 

Aren't  you something to  admire

cause you shine something like a mirror

and I can’t help but notice you refelct in this heart of mine

if you ever feel alone and 

the glare makes me hard to find

just know that i'm always parallel on the other side.

I will now picture Andrea saying this to me.  

I will always remember Andrea in this way: selfless, hilarious, nurturing, young, and beautiful. 

Andrea, thank you for the unconditional love that you have given me. I hope in some way I am able to give a piece of that back to our Nathan. I could never forget you, no matter how many years pass. Until I see my favorite face again...

Her.

Light of my heart and essence of my soul,

Please don't give up. Please fight.  

Fight it for her, if no one else. 

I love you more than I ever thought was possible, and I need your light to guide me.  There's something in you that makes you better than everyone else and I can't possibly believe love can exist in a world that you're not a part of. 

 I have zero clue who I'd be without you.  You saved me, and I only wish I could save you now. 

I need not wait.

And as I sat there, convincing him to love me.  Writing yet another something, something that would push him over the edge I realized something.  That, YES, what I wrote him was good and it would put him there.  But he’s a moving target he’ll never be there for long. 

And while I sit here waiting for him like a chick out of a Jane Austen book I realize that he may or may not be back.  He probably will.  Is that enough? And while I seriously do not know the answer to that question I can answer myself this.  I need not wait. I really need to think that one through. I need not wait. 

I need to stop waiting for my life to happen.  Waiting for the one to come rescue me.  He can’t even rescue himself; he’s not coming back for me anytime soon.  And as I sit here I realize I need to be empowered.  Wow I just wrote I COULD be empowered. NO. I NEED to be empowered.  My own strength is going to get me through all of this.  This is going to be my year.  I really won’t have it any other way.  Hey I have a question…it doesn’t count as me being cliché if I say that after like January 5^th right?

I need not wait.

I need not wait.

I need not wait.

I’m coming for you Los Angeles.  And supposedly I’m checking my shit load of baggage at the door.