In Repair

I said something so incredibly insightful today, sometimes I shock myself.  I feel like I haven't been myself for the past year and I think I magically figured out why. 

I have been through failed relationships.  Angry ones, sad ones, slightly clingy ones, suicidal ones, long distance ones, casual ones, dishonest ones, soulmate ones, and lastly, a not-a-relationship one, a broken one, a haunting one, and a painful one.

What did I learn from the first bunch? I experienced love, I reciprocated love, and love was reciprocated to me. I was so lucky to have experienced those loves and those unique people. 

When the last one took his final curtain call a shining light came over me.  I saw one person standing alone in his perfect light and I no longer felt immobilized by the many shortcomings of my past. I couldn't even take my eyes off my future to glance back at my past. Most importantly, I didn't want to.

From day one I gave him my absolute best, my absolute everything, my all. I laughed with him through the good, sat with him through the bad, comforted him whenever he needed, and I went along on a ride, his ride. I sat patiently. I waited, and waited, and waited.  And if he had never shoved me out his face I would have waited patiently forever.  But unfortunately he never chose to back away.  He chose to push, shove, and break me.

I know the reason I go back for more is my own misunderstanding of him. My misunderstanding of how he could not want my best. I figured there was some mistake. I never gave anyone my best, and now it was on a silver platter; my heart, my body, my soul, just sprawled out for him. He declined.  I ask myself everyday how he could decline.  I know now my mistake was letting his rejection ruin "My All."  

The amazing news is I am capable to give someone it all. The bad news is my choice.  Not my choice in him, but my choice to misunderstand that he didn't want it. Everytime I curled up in a tearful ball in the corner of my couch it's me who put me there, not him.  

My All is pretty beaten up right now, but I know it's better to fold and give up then leave myself unrepairable. 

I am not broken, I am in repair.

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