My Miracle.

Two months ago I did the hardest thing imaginable. I said goodbye.  My goodbye was real because her lifeless body laid in front of me, but in my heart I was still hoping for that miracle that we all know she deserved.  I say it often and think it daily, but she really was the best person I have ever known.  She will forever be my hardest goodbye. 

Sometimes I feel like this is just one of our dry spells where we haven't managed to get a hold of each other in a few weeks and then I remember that I held her hand and said goodbye to her when she couldn't say a word back.  I had to say goodbye twice.  I then went into a room with over a thousand people and said my public goodbye.  I was lucky. 

She was like a dream because I can remember her eyes, her smile, her laugh, and her tears. Sometimes surviving her seems like the worst thing that could ever have happened to me. I'm right it is, but I also know I will be stronger for surviving this horrible time.  I still don't know how to do it, not at all. 

I want to honor her life and her fight but I don't know how.  It's only been two months and I don't expect to have all of the answers now, in fact, I don't expect to have any, but I hope one day I can push through and know exactly how to honor this almost perfect person.  

I love you Andrea with everything I have in me.  Any good in me is only because you were so incredibly good to me.  Even though you didn't get your miracle you will always be mine. 

In Repair

I said something so incredibly insightful today, sometimes I shock myself.  I feel like I haven't been myself for the past year and I think I magically figured out why. 

I have been through failed relationships.  Angry ones, sad ones, slightly clingy ones, suicidal ones, long distance ones, casual ones, dishonest ones, soulmate ones, and lastly, a not-a-relationship one, a broken one, a haunting one, and a painful one.

What did I learn from the first bunch? I experienced love, I reciprocated love, and love was reciprocated to me. I was so lucky to have experienced those loves and those unique people. 

When the last one took his final curtain call a shining light came over me.  I saw one person standing alone in his perfect light and I no longer felt immobilized by the many shortcomings of my past. I couldn't even take my eyes off my future to glance back at my past. Most importantly, I didn't want to.

From day one I gave him my absolute best, my absolute everything, my all. I laughed with him through the good, sat with him through the bad, comforted him whenever he needed, and I went along on a ride, his ride. I sat patiently. I waited, and waited, and waited.  And if he had never shoved me out his face I would have waited patiently forever.  But unfortunately he never chose to back away.  He chose to push, shove, and break me.

I know the reason I go back for more is my own misunderstanding of him. My misunderstanding of how he could not want my best. I figured there was some mistake. I never gave anyone my best, and now it was on a silver platter; my heart, my body, my soul, just sprawled out for him. He declined.  I ask myself everyday how he could decline.  I know now my mistake was letting his rejection ruin "My All."  

The amazing news is I am capable to give someone it all. The bad news is my choice.  Not my choice in him, but my choice to misunderstand that he didn't want it. Everytime I curled up in a tearful ball in the corner of my couch it's me who put me there, not him.  

My All is pretty beaten up right now, but I know it's better to fold and give up then leave myself unrepairable. 

I am not broken, I am in repair.

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The eyes that cannot see.

Love that is blind is incredibly painful.  Only because the idea of being blind is that you are aware, for certain, that something is missing from your view. You just can't manage to see it. 

My love isn't blind. It's as clear as the ocean.  I can curse myself for it but I won't because someday I will be someone's beautiful, sparkling, and green ocean mist.  Just not yours. Never yours. 

I hope you find clarity and that you find your ocean breeze. I still believe you will, and above all else, you deserve to not be blind, even if you're blind to me.