Day One

As i sit here shaking.  I know i've been here before and i know i keep jumping back into it like a full on addiction.  I have to ask myself what the fascination is?   I wish i knew all of the answers that i feel would have me running in the other direction.  Sadly, there are things in life we may never understand. There are some souls we just can't save.  Why did i think i could save him? Why did i even want to?   I wish i could save him from himself and i wish he could save me from himself too.  

I know now i am the only one that can save myself from him.  Before it was a fleeting thought, now i lie awake at night wondering how the fuck i'm going to do this.  We all think we've been through our big heartbreak before, and  i can say I'm taken back by the strength of my own feelings.  Even the strength of myself.  Pealing myself off of these tear stained sheets every morning and going on to pretend i am better than ok.  I am strong.  And i will be stronger for surviving a love that rejected mine.  

There is no heartbreak that has ever felt this way, and i know, absolutely and indefinitely, nothing like this can ever get me this close again.  I wish i had saved all of this for someone that could accept it, and more importantly wanted to accept it.  I'll never ignore red flags again.  It hurts to even say again, because i still have no idea how i'm going to get out of this.  Day one is everyday.  So tomorrow, again, i'll begin with day 1.  And force myself to gamble my heart within my means.  

 I hope, in the future, there is something real waiting for me.  I believe it less and less everyday.  I'm scared to walk away from something so riveting, and so powerful.  But with it's power i become powerless.