I'm constantly disappointed constantly looking and searching for something worthwhile here. It used to discourage me knowing that really I have no friends. I let myself down spiral for months just seeing how low I could fall without any kind of support system. I let myself drown.
Soon I surrounded myself with people, just anyone really. I would go out and I would become this hot mess and feel like shit about it the next day, but still no one came to me. I was more alone than ever.
Then something happened. I told everyone no. My fake best friends, my going out friends, and every guy, potential or not. They all needed to go.
Only one person in my whole life even noticed a shift, but unfortunately I had to let go of her too. I had to know that in the silence I was perfectly ok with just me. So I locked myself up every Friday night and read, I read a lot. I wrote, I watched TED videos, and I read some more. I went hiking alone, ill advised I suppose. But in the silence I felt the growing pains. I did this for months, I lost a ton of weight and I woke the fuck up.
I found myself desiring to be around people again, but I wasn't starving like before. I still wanted nothing to do with guys, but I wanted my friends back. I don't know why I wanted them back when no one even noticed I was gone, another life lesson. And so here I am all dressed up and no where to go because once again I have gotten ditched by my closest friend. I scroll my phone a little more to only realize there is no one and it's just me. I think I don't care though, but I used to.
I'm all alone, no guy and probably not a friend in the world but I kind of don't care anymore.
So thank you to my one friend, you know who you are.
