They call her...

Space away;

space between.

Staring at you through the glass

just one transparent piece of material between us.

I know I won’t look away if you don’t,

I won’t walk away if you won’t.

And so finally you crack a smile and slip the paper through the crack of the door;

Still too scared to face me.

I can never decide if that means I’ve won or If I’m still chasing this ghost,

our ghost.

They call her Nostalgia.

Her Last Good Day

You never know it's your last good day, you wouldn't really know if it was your last bad day either, I suppose.  I always wonder what she thought on her last good day.   Did she know?  Did we all know?  I don't think so.  I know that was one of my favorite days in the world.  I know we sat in the chairs we grew up in.  

Good days in general can be hard to come by, and as imposibly hard as this whole situation has been for me, I feel like I was given something that so few of us get to experience.  

I can relive each moment of that day and just how long it was, how she looked, and even  how she slept.  And oddly enough, that was one of the days where she was at her strongest.  

It was always easier to hang out with her when it was just our normal thing.  Every Saturday I was there she would always turn to me, apologetically, as night came and told me I could go; I was off the hook.  I really did want to be there. We so rarely find people that are innately "our people."  She was and currently still is one of mine.  I firmly believe our bond was something not everyone gets to experience in this lifetime. 

We got to have a normal day.  We were actually really boring best friends.  We would always ask each other what to eat, and never ever decide.  So we did that this night as well.  I picked a movie, finally.  We had this weird thing for classics and so we watched a tragic love movie.  

We moved our recliners right next to each other so Andrea would be comfortable.  And so we sat there for most of the day just laughing, eating, and watching movies.  She didn't struggle for breath this day.  And after a full day without complication she was exhausted.  

It was amazing to be there on that day, and around 10pm she fell asleep. I glanced at the screen and the movie was ending.  On the screen were these words:

"And the light by which she had been reading the book of life, blazed up suddenly, illuminating those pages that had been dark, then flickered, grew dim, and went out forever"

Life can be very strange withi the way things play out.  I am lucky I got to say goodbye, lucky I got to hang out with her on borrowed time, and lucky to spend time with her on her last good day.

The next day Andrea could barely stay awake or eat, and in the early evening she was rushed to the hospital.  I couldn't have been more shocked, considering how upbeat and happy she was the day before. 

 I love my Andrea and if she was in any pain on that day I thank her for giving me those last memories.  That day will always be on the top of my mind, just like she will always be on the top of my heart.

No New Friends.

I keep scrolling through my phone, looking for someone but there isn't anyone. 

I'm constantly disappointed constantly looking and searching for something worthwhile here. It used to discourage me knowing that really I have no friends. I let myself down spiral for months just seeing how low I could fall without any kind of support system. I let myself drown.

Soon I surrounded myself with people, just anyone really. I would go out and I would become this hot mess and feel like shit about it the next day, but still no one came to me. I was more alone than ever.

Then something happened. I told everyone no. My fake best friends, my going out friends, and every guy, potential or not. They all needed to go. 

Only one person in my whole life even noticed a shift, but unfortunately I had to let go of her too. I had to know that in the silence I was perfectly ok with just me. So I locked myself up every Friday night and read, I read a lot. I wrote, I watched TED videos, and I read some more. I went hiking alone, ill advised I suppose. But in the silence I felt the growing pains. I did this for months, I lost a ton of weight and I woke the fuck up.

I found myself desiring to be around people again, but I wasn't starving like before. I still wanted nothing to do with guys, but I wanted my friends back. I don't know why I wanted them back when no one even noticed I was gone, another life lesson. And so here I am all dressed up and no where to go because once again I have gotten ditched by my closest friend. I scroll my phone a little more to only realize there is no one and it's just me. I think I don't care though, but I used to. 

I'm all alone, no guy and probably not a friend in the world but I kind of don't care anymore. 

  

So thank you to my one friend, you know who you are.